“Humans need encouragement much like plants need water… We constantly encourage or discourage those around us and thereby contribute materially to their greater or lesser ability to function.”
Rudolf Dreikurs, Author, Psychologist
Discouraged people are those most in need encouragement but are often the ones with whom we feel least inspired to give it. That’s especially true during this period in our US history. I assert encouragement is top priority in every situation, but unfortunately most people often praise instead, which can have the opposite effect; it discourages people. Here are distinctive differences between each:
Motivated by Others: Extrinsic Motivation
Interpretation: “If I don’t perform, then I’m not good, you’re not proud, I’m guilty of making you sad.”
1. Praise places value and worth outside people.
“I am so proud of you. You make me happy when…” (Focuses on other’s pleasure – manipulative)
2. Stimulates rivalry and competition.“You are the best. You’re better than…” (Comparative)
3. Fosters self-absorption at expense of others
4. Focuses on evaluation of performance “You have the highest sales and win the bonus.” (Comparative – often patronizing)
5. Emphasis is on global evaluation of a person.
6. The deed and doer are synonymous. Praised people can feel discouraged; burdened by the high standards of others. “You’re wonderful, great, amazing!”(Generalized and expresses other person’s evaluation)
7. Fosters discouragement, influences quitting.
8. Fosters fear of failure and motivation to prove self. “Go get that client – make us/me proud!” (Pressure to excel or prove capability to others)
9. Expresses judgments of good or bad, worthy or not. “I am so proud. I couldn’t be happier with you.” (Focus is on the authority figure)
10. Cannot be given during times of failure. “I’m so proud you lost that big sale (?!).”
Long-range effects: Dependence on others, fear of failure, doing minimum to stay under the radar.
Motivated From Within: Intrinsic Motivation
Interpretation: “I am secure for who I am, not what I do, I decide what matters to me”
1. Encouragement places value and worth within.“You really seem to love your work” (Focuses on your pleasure)
2. Stimulates cooperation and contribution.
3. Fosters self-esteem; does not hurt others. “You contributed when you…” (Non-comparative)
4. Focuses on effort, persistence, joy, determination.
5. Emphasis is on a specific contribution. “You helped ____people today by…” (Non-comparative, focuses on contribution)
6. The deed and doer are distinctly separate. Person accomplishes despite comments, which are descriptive.
“The company benefited from your ideas on… “(Specific description focuses on contribution)
7. Fosters persistence/determination.
8. Fosters self-acceptance and personal satisfaction. “You really like to work hard and get a lot of sales.” (Acknowledges effort for personal pleasure)
9. Expresses faith other is lovable, loving, and capable. “You seem to enjoy getting results and keeping a positive attitude.” (Focus is on inner qualities)
10. Can be offered anytime. “You put everything you had into your work.”
Long-range effects: Self-confidence, self-reliance, takes risks, accepts mistakes, and enjoys experiences.