“The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well-being of others.”
~Sharon Anthony Bower, Author of Asserting Yourself
“Once you have a major success with assertiveness, you learn it’s much healthier than being a doormat to insensitive folks. You gain respect for yourself, have more time for your priorities, and develop authentic and healthy relationships”
– Doreen Virtue, Author
Three things that support assertiveness at work
- Get purposeful so you choose to create outcomes with your essential WHY in mind. For example, my purpose is to create a world in which ALL people love their lives, including me. My purpose informs why and how I use my influence. A key to assertiveness is to communicate from power-within, not power-over (aggression) or power-under (passivity). When being assertive, knowing what you commit to CAUSE helps you maintain power-within because purpose informs who you are at your best, and gives you the inspiration and courage to operate from it
- Get skills needed for assertiveness so you are responsible and socially and emotionally intelligent in how you interact at work. Do you know how to productively handle gossip? Do you know how to express frustrations so you inspire win/win, ask for what you want, and receive commitments to changed behaviors? Do you know how to redirect negative behavior without using harsh, punitive or permissive reactions, but rather increasing trust and caring connection? Without skills, it’s like trying to write without having been taught your ABCs.
- Get mentoring support to practice and discuss assertive steps to take to manage relationships and many other outcomes you seek. Most people need to process how to live into their purpose, including how, when, with whom, and what tools and skills to apply. We’ve all had times when we’ve been assertive and it blew up in our faces or reactivity set in and a scenario turned unproductive, which discouraged next attempts. Receiving monthly Socrates-style mentoring where support is provided by a mentor who says less and asks you more so you recognize challenges you are to resolve, and select, discuss and practice new tools and strategies so you apply them in specific relationships and at committed times. The best support is that a mentor transfers responsibility to you so you become self and socially AWARE and then choose to MANAGE yourself and your relationships.
Why it’s important to be assertive at work
Being assertive at work is vital because to do so builds trust within yourself, and then you can build trustworthy relationships with others. When you trust yourself, you become capable of demonstrating respect, receptivity, disclosure of what you think and feel without trying to change anyone, and you see, appreciate and value others. This leads to honesty, straightforwardness, keeping commitments, and seeking excellence. Failing to be assertive is a sign of inferiority feelings within individuals and a lack of healthy belonging and significance in the workplace community. Inferiority feelings are the basis of all struggles. These can be INTERNAL such as stress, anxiety, depression, obesity, disengagement, addiction, burnout, and more, and EXTERNAL such as gossip, power-struggles, canceling, complaining, all isms, hostility, revenge and bad behavior with others. To be assertive is to be accountable and responsible for your relationships, productivity, engagement, and progress. A healthy, high-performing workplace requires responsible, assertive and courageous members.
Common challenges when being assertive at work and how to overcome them
Culture transformation for radical systemic change is foundational. Common challenges for being assertive happen in a culture with faulty concepts and strategies based on power-over, power-under dynamics and a lack of social interest; which is noticing what you cause others. This leaves many who feel isolated, powerless, controlled by circumstances and people, and unable to function within psychologically safe conditions and conversations. A further challenge is that conventionally most workplaces are set up with outdated, hierarchical systems that use control tactics to dominate and bring about compliance rather than supporting commitment. All challenges related to assertiveness are inextricably tied to lackluster and counterproductive culture practices without consistency, sustainability, training, application and support of emotional and social intelligence and personal responsibility. With the proper support and culture systems, being assertive becomes life-giving for all.
Let us know if you’re ready to create a healthy culture to support firm and respectful assertiveness for positive results.
This article is published in the column The Extraordinary Workplace in St. Louis Small Business Monthly, August, 2024
