“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage. You can’t get to courage without rumbling with vulnerability.”
Brene Brown, Author, Speaker
We often hear it said that it’s inappropriate to mix work and our personal lives. I say we must mix them. We are, after all persons and the greatest asset in every business. As such, our work IS personal and our personal is related to our work.
Recently, I had a revelation about myself and some of my own hidden, fearful and limiting beliefs. I was overseeing a group of consultants and coaches during a certification session in which one of them was leading the cohort in discussing a powerful concept and tool called redirecting negative behavior. This tool helps people recognize and interrupt unconscious, limiting, and fearful beliefs at the root cause of five negative behavior patterns so they can help one another out of negative beliefs and behaviors and get back to the best in themselves instead.
We were going over a mistaken goal pattern called the mistaken goal of Revenge. This is a goal in which a person is deeply ashamed of pain they have inside of them and therefore expect they deserve to be and must be rejected. That’s why the behavior of someone in this goal is that they do and say things, and neglect to do and say things, that cause hurt and shock. They do this to unconsciously get what they believe they deserve from fear: rejection. This goal starts with fear of self, self-shame, and self-rejection. All of a sudden, I could see how this goal was one I had and how this was impacting me. We often can’t see what’s hidden right in plain sight until we are ready.
The true need of a person in the mistaken goal of Revenge is “Help me. I’m hurting!” The redirect is in essence. “I know you’re in pain and I’m not leaving.” Well, I could see how I have left people while in this goal. Emotionally and then from pride and fear, not reaching out at all or when timely. And, I have been left too and I see why and realize now what I could do about it. I realize in a greater way how I’ve been one resistant to pain and to expressing it for fear of “I’m bad” or a “burden” for even having it and being cold and angry and distant and selfish instead of vulnerable. I was innocent in my unconsciousness but still wreaking havoc unknowingly. People experiencing pain need to know that others will see this pattern in them, understand it, and stay, helping others to express what they feel, and to know they make sense, especially when they feel most crazy.
In the mistaken goal of Revenge, there is deep shame one feels over being in pain or weakness, emotional, financial, physical, and more. You have people in your work community who suffer, often silently and bewilderingly, with such limiting beliefs and fearful patterns and it impacts their work and their health. They experience stress, anxiety, depression, and lack healthy relationship dynamics with coworkers, customers, families and friends. All of this impacts their productivity and performance. All of this is related to their lack of full engagement and fear to speak up or take risks in support of your growing organization! Your people need not be psychologists. They must know though, how to help when such patterns are recognized. Only then will your workforce all grow healthy and helpful.
While you may be wondering about now, how does this help me grow my company?! I assure you that understanding such things about people, including yourself, and what to do, is part of what you must learn and promote to grow your business in a holistic, healthy manner. Even though I write about the mistaken goal of Revenge in articles (e.g., You Make Sense and Deserve Compassion and The Three Cruelest Words: Get Over It), and I talk about this in podcast and TV interviews, and I offer comfort to others over this in my training and consulting, it was not until I recognized how much this was defining me, my life, my dynamics and my relationships that I could be more helpful. The more your people learn, the more everyone supports vital shifts needed.
People must change not only their beliefs when they become aware, but also their behavior. And as a business leader, it is imperative you learn how to understand the human systems of your business, and help your staff do the same. We need each other to grow emotionally and socially so that together we enjoy your thriving business.
This article is published in the column The Extraordinary Workplace in St. Louis Small Business Monthly, January, 2025
