Have you ever met someone you felt completely in sync with? Entrainment is a term used to express how the human body assumes a sympathetic response to stimuli much the way scientists have discovered that two heart cells put together in the same room begin to beat as one. When two or more vibrating bodies or realities come into resonance, they create a process of harmony.
“People can (learn to) create and maintain a state of internal coherence and entrainment, and that once in the entrainment mode, other cardiovascular systems, respiration, heart rate variability and blood pressure waves synchronize or entrain.”
Institute of HeartMath
Much like those syncopated heart cells, we often physically, intellectually and emotionally entrain ourselves with people we like. We nod enthusiastically with them, finish each other’s sentences and even adopt mannerisms such as a laugh, phrases or gestures. Entrainment is entering into another person’s experience to seek greater understanding and connection. Generally, we avoid this process with people we don’t like. We resist them. In doing so, we trigger their resistance to us.
When you resist another person, they have no choice but to resist you. Resisting how others are is a form of protection. Your resistance to others says, “Who you are is wrong and dangerous” and this very protection causes attack. Approve of others without condition and give others your full attention. That’s when love and connection move from an idea to an experience.
I heard about intentional entrainment from Matthew Ferry, author and teacher. The concept caught my attention because it’s a practical tool for responding constructively to difficult people and, surprisingly, even to people I care deeply about when I resist or separate in reaction. The following are the steps to entertain with others.
- Notice and appreciate. For entrainment to be effective and authentic,
first you must observe and notice the perfection of another. Choose to be totally curious about them in all ways; be absurdly fascinated with them. - Blend with another’s physical reality. Stand, sit, move and speak as they do; synchronize and align your physical movements, pace, accent, tone and rhythm with theirs. You trigger your own body to send and receive their worldview.
- Blend with another’s emotions. Agree with and match their emotions, including the level of intensity or subtlety. If they’re sad or happy or raging, you do the same as closely and fully as possible. Choose to be on their side; get emotional about what they are emotional about.
- Blend with another’s opinions: Agree with their opinions. Think like they do. Don’t worry about whether you’re condoning something you don’t believe. If it helps, hunt with determination to find all possible ways you can agree and enter fully into their viewpoint and how they see the world.
As I practice entrainment, I become more aware of relationships in which I hold myself separate from others, even those whom I love. All my relationships are growing deeper and more meaningful. Contrary to our unconscious fears that we may lose or be in danger, I have discovered the more I stop resisting others, especially those I find challenging, they stop resisting me; they soften and became appreciative of me. They also relax and become more peaceful. They move through issues more quickly because I’m not inspiring their resistance. I’m supporting their forward movement. And, practicing this increases my entrainment with myself. Nothing is lost; much is gained – joy, influence, union.
As published nationally in the column Emotional Intelligence in Women’s Journals, Feb/Mar 2009
