“To find out what is truly individual in ourselves, profound reflection is needed; and suddenly we realize how uncommonly difficult the discovery of individuality is.”
Carl Jung
“We best serve intimate relationship by becoming sufficiently developed in ourselves so that we do not need to feed off others.”
James Hollis
I was recently leading a training session for a group of new culture specialists in an exercise that wakes people up to thinking outside of the box, engaging free will and critical thinking, and determining how to use personal power and values consciously when making decisions. In the process, the question of “I” vs. “We” came up. Several in the group expressed discomfort in owning their “I” and making decisions best for themselves because they feared this was inferior, outdated and selfish. I was glad to see this conversation arise because the truth is this: we cannot support a strong, healthy “We” without strong healthy “I”s.
Most people do not have a healthy “I” which is why too often they become people pleasers, disengaged, overly competitive, self-absorbed, act like victims, demand entitlements, and operate from herd mentality. Not only do a majority NOT know how to manage themselves, they do not know how to manage relationships well with others either. All around us are evidence of insecure people who second-guess themselves and fear their own motives, choices and personal power. It’s no wonder they often eagerly abdicate their role as leaders in their own lives, giving way to collective norms, and blindly offering up responsibility to authority figures and collective, counterproductive, conventional norms.
Many children were raised in homes and schools where success was synonymous with compliance and conformity; you must strive for the A, the award, the praise, and the approval of others, or else. Personal power was treated as suspect and was overly controlled rather than healthily guided. My own son (before I learned better) wore a shirt at age 2 that said, “My name is No-No!” I fell into the conventional, centuries-old ways of thinking and behaving considered “normal,” promoted as expedient and necessary, even loving – all the while doing copious damage to healthy individuation. Luckily, by the time my oldest was 4, I was learning how to guide my children in developing their personal power and autonomy rather than using status quo micro-managing, shaming, and fear tactics. I learned to help them develop their internal leader and personal responsibility so they could form a healthy “I” to eventually serve the needs of a healthy “We.”
Our greatest fulfillment in life is ultimately to be in service to Love and to one another; to positively impact something greater than ourselves. But first, we must know and trust ourselves and understand what we cause at our best and what values to choose that enable us to cause it. This requires a conscious dance of “I” AND “We” with support and practices that allow for reflection, context, and the needs of all. This is not a dance of either/or but rather both. As we learn and promote maintaining a healthy “I”, each of us grows skilled, thoughtful and wise in maintaining a healthy “We.” This may not always seem expedient or easy but it is a worthwhile, fulfilling path to creating a caring community without using tactics that cost everyone dearly. Psychic medium, spiritual advisor and destiny coach, Anthon St. Maarten said it well:
“There is no need for us all to be alike and think the same way, neither do we need a common enemy to force us to come together and reach out to each other. If we allow ourselves and everyone else the freedom to fully individuate as spiritual beings in human form, there will be no need for us to be forced by worldly circumstances to take hands and stand together. Our souls will automatically want to flock together (bold emphasis mine), like moths to the flame of our shared Divinity, yet each with wings covered in the glimmering colors and unique patterns of our individual human expression.”
As a business owner, this idea of undoing the harmful impacts from conventional childrearing must be taken up if you wish to have a service-oriented, personally responsible, and purpose-based workforce. You must help your people learn there are times when they can respectfully and kindly take a direct path to what is best for themselves alone and that this is a gift to the collective. At other times, they must be strong and wise enough to find ways to negotiate for the good of self AND others simultaneously; the good of “We.” In order to live a fluid, appropriate, helpful and sound existence, every person in your organization must reclaim their personal power, be well supported in using it consciously, and in thinking on the fly, rather than relying on outdated, external formulas that are usually not helpful. To learn more about nurturing in yourself and your staff healthy individuation, in service to the greater good of all, please reach out to LifeWork Systems. We can help you and your people in this vital process!
This article is published in the column The Extraordinary Workplace in St. Louis Small Business Monthly, March, 2025
